fortunately or otherwise, our next few blog posts will likely be centered around little baby j, filled with tons of pics and silly stories about the joys and struggles of being new parents. and i hope you all enjoy the photos and videos as much as we enjoy the moments. i'm sure many of you will be a part of those exciting times.
however, in these last moments before we meet baby j, i thought i'd take some time to "journal" how i'm feeling.
it's 10:15pm on the evening before we head to the hospital to be induced. baby j decided to stay past curfew (3/27/11) snug in it's home, and we finally were forced to schedule our little one's arrival. for tomorrow. april 4, 2011. but is that really all that shocking that we'll have a "scheduled baby"? as a project manager, i'll say having this event "scheduled" has been somewhat nice. it's given me extra time with the love of my life, and even a little extra time to put real thought into what goes into the hospital bag (or the "go-bag" as josh and i call it... too many episodes of "criminal minds"...).
a lot of people have asked if i'm excited, and i feel bad that my excitement isn't plastered all over my face, and that people are forced to ask. but, as you can tell, the excitement is coupled with all these other feelings, and together they must manifest as a face of utter confusion. YES, i'm excited. YES, i'm nervous. YES, i have no idea what to expect. YES, i'm relying heavily on my husband to be there for me every step of the way. and YES, i'm praying my heart out.
as much as i look forward to this next (long) season of our lives, i already know i'll miss the life josh and i have built as husband and wife. thankfully, i've spent the past few weeks reflecting on just how wonderful our two years of marriage have been. i'm happy to bring our baby into this family we've built--i just pray that we've created a foundation solid enough for him/her to thrive upon. i am looking forward to having my heart grow big enough to love our baby AND my husband (and our dog, of course...) but i will always be thankful for our years together as a couple. i love my man to pieces...!
my first substantial few hours of contractions began early this afternoon. i know they were the first few, but they were already painful. its is a feeling i've never experienced before, and one that scares me as i think about a day full of paints that get stronger and closer together. and, as if that's not a scary enough thought in and of itself, there's also the pushing to look forward to... HOWEVER, i'm not the first person that will do this. and the reward we get in the end will be worth every wince and groan. God has been my source of trust and strength and will continue to be throughout the big day. i already know i have a lot of people praying for baby j and i, and for josh, too. and i'll continue to ask for prayer for the doctors and nurses, and all those who have a hand in bringing our child into this world.
i picture seeing our baby's face and little body tomorrow, and it's an overwhelming thought. who has been kicking me all this time? who's the night owl that doesn't let me sleep!? and who will be the most amazing little gift we get to hold on to for years to come...? will he look like daddy? will she look like mommy? how can we immediately begin to show him/her how much we love him/her? tears of joy will be flowing, and i can't wait to share the joy with my husband, my family, and my friends.
it's going to be a while before we do this pregnancy thing again. so as i sit here and write, occasionally interrupted by a strong stretch from baby j, i'm doing my best to remember this feeling. not to mention... remember this silence :-) for tomorrow, we'll be given an amazing little gift, our life's purpose will change, and our world will never be the same. and for that, i am beyond thankful to Him who gives life.
Psalm 139: 13-18
13.for you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14.i praise you because i am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, i know that full well.
15.my frame was not hidden from you when i was made in the secret place. when i was woven together in the depths of the early,
16.your eyes saw my unformed body. all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
17.how precious to me are your thought, o God! how vast is the sum of them!
18.were i to count them, they would outnumber the grainse of sand. when i awake, i am still with you.
(i apologize that this post is somewhat "blabberish"... i just had a lot of feelings that i wanted to share, and keep for myself, as well, and as my mind is all over the place tonight, so is my blogpost. thanks for understanding...!)